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(no subject)

Mar. 28th, 2005 | 11:05 pm

look what else FUCKING RETARDED I found


this guy must be one of those tiny under 5'8" white kids that watched anime and now wants to learn ninjitsu and speaky the japanesey. I like how he has on a chinese outfit in the last two pictures, as if it has anything to do with the fucking japanese outfits. That'd be about like me saying "you know I really like Russia, so I think I'll dress in LEDERHOSEN"

(no subject)

Mar. 28th, 2005 | 10:47 pm

RC says:
i know, but one of them straight up fucked my shit up dirty

RC says:
so when i see him next im going to cut his face

what the shit?

Mar. 28th, 2005 | 09:58 pm

I just found an LJ community that is solely about CELEBRITY TONGUE PICTURES.
what in the flaming fuck?


(no subject)

Mar. 28th, 2005 | 12:40 am

Blanche Devereaux
Which Golden Girl Are You?

(no subject)

Mar. 27th, 2005 | 11:20 pm

I hate teenagers as much as I hate passé douchebags with lip rings...actully come to think of it the only people with lip rings are teenagers.

I bet they still wear trucker hats and listen to electroclash as well.

(no subject)

Mar. 27th, 2005 | 05:32 pm

DOs & DON'Ts—The 30 rule
When men turn 30, they can no longer wear kooky clothes. That means no more weird Nikes. It also means no more hair dyeing of any kind, no more shorts (ever), and no more collarless shirts. The most casual you are allowed on a hot day is: white pants, Chucks, and a polo. Your ultimate goal as a 30+ is to look like Cassavetes in Rosemary's Baby. Women over 30 have to give up knee-high socks, pigtails, and shirts with cartoons on them. Basically, anything girlie. Besides that, you can do whatever you want. There are more rules for men than women over 30 because that is the age when men have to go from being attractive to being providers. Women are always supposed to at least try to be attractive.

DOs & DON'Ts—Xing
If someone jeopardizes your job, your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend, your relationship with your family, or your home, they are to be Xed and never spoken to again. For example, if someone tells your boyfriend you cheated on him, that person is now Xed for life. If you go to a bar and that person is there drinking a beer, you don't see him. All you see is a beer floating in mid-air, tipping slightly, and then going back down. We wouldn't even be surprised if you went to pick up his chair because you thought there was nobody sitting there (but don't do that because it will look like you're trying to make up).

There is also such a thing as partial Xs. Like if you were really counting on someone to help you out and they let you down, you can still speak to them again but just hold the X deep inside your heart. If they ever ask you for any help on anything, you will then smile and say, "I don't think so." If they argue, you reach inside your heart, pull out the partial X, and hold it in their face screaming, "I will never forget that time when you did that thing!"

DOs & DON'Ts—Being a guest
You are saving about $150 a night on hotel fees, so as a guest you have to buy as many rounds as possible when out, refuse to accept any drinks from your host, buy toilet paper, do all the dishes (even the ones that aren't yours), keep your stuff in your suitcase and out of the way, and finally, leave after three days. You should leave a bottle of wine for the person as a thank-you gift. If this sounds like a lot, you are a piece of shit. Before going to visit someone, you have to budget at least $80 a day. Your host is doing you a great service by putting you up and you should try to pay back that saved hotel fee at every opportunity.

Guide to FASHION

Mar. 27th, 2005 | 05:28 pm

DOs & DON'Ts—Just eat something
Be aware that you are a nicer person when you aren't really hungry.

DOs & DON'Ts—Vogue, etc.
Don't read fashion magazines at all. Poor Mary Kate Olsen, she's anorexic. Poor Karen Carpenter, she died. Fashion magazines are for the girls you hated in high school. All of them––Vogue, Bazaar, W––are forced to use the clothing provided by their advertisers. That's how they get the ads, which is how they get the money to pay for Kate Moss and her cocaine. All of those magazines are basically just one big ad, and for ugly fucking clothes usually, too.

DOs & DON'Ts—The basic rules of fashion
The basic rule is: You have to be at least a little uncomfortable.

We are in an epoch right now when everyone is determined to be at a sleepover. Nobody can endure any discomfort whatsoever, not even for a moment. If a woman goes out on a limb and gets dressed up one night, she punishes the world by wearing track pants and flip-flops for days after. If a man feels even slightly warm he takes his shirt off and lets the whole world see his hairy tits. Back in the Wild West, we were wearing three-piece suits and top hats in the middle of July. Can we not have at least a modicum of discipline? It's not that hard. Men just need to stay away from belly tattoos, chokers, cargo shorts, cargo pants, umbrellas (under any circumstances), colored sunglasses, long hair, tribal tattoos, wool hats, and piercings. Women need to avoid platform flip-flops, belly-button piercings, toe rings, cleavage, low-riding jeans if they're chubby (we're talking to you, London, England), thongs, shirts made to look like tattoos, cowboy hats, fake tans, and Von Dutch.</h1>

DOs & DON'Ts—Shopping
The secret to buying clothes is to have your look totally figured out before you walk into the store. That's how the mods did it. Fred Perry, Ben Sherman, bowling shoes, loafers, and parkas. If they saw a great pair of baggy cords, too bad, it's not mod (no matter what Madness says about trousers). You need to do that too. Is she going for rich hippie? OK, that means only really expensive shoes, flowing summer dresses, and the odd tassled leather jacket. Want some free black leather Converse? No, you don't, because that's not rich hippie. What about a vintage Judas Priest shirt? Nope. But if after a year or two she decides she's going for a Cheech & Chong theme, then all those dresses have to go to the secondhand store for resale. Now stumbling across some leather Converse and a Judas Priest shirt is a blessing. The key to this whole philosophy is to be able to say no to a total score. If you're going for preppie prick and you see an amazing pair of Lemmy cowboy boots that fit you perfectly, you have to walk away. Call your sponsor if you have to. Shopping is about staying focused and keeping your eye on the prize!

DOs & DON'Ts—Jeans and high heels
We know it's been said before, and it will be said again (most likely by us) until every female on earth who is not related to us picks up on it. This is the Rolling Stones of outfits: absolutely foolproof, guaranteed boner material. Even if you're fat (shit, especially if you're fat).

DOs & DON'Ts—Complicated tattoos
Honestly, we'd rather you just get a sick Tasmanian Devil caged in tribal bars with a voice-bubble full of Chinese symbols than listen to your story about how this particular sacred heart with a sword on the side symbolizes this really tough time in your life and how looking at it in the mirror every morning truly makes you realize how far you've come.

DOs & DON'Ts—Labor Day, Shmabor Day
Don't listen when fashion magazines say, "Don't wear white after Labor Day." That shit is gay as hell and totally 1950s. It originated in women's etiquette handbooks and had some bullshit rationale about the changing of the seasons and wearing "warm" colors in winter. But dirty white jeans look great on girls year-round. Well, on great girls, the kind of girl who is so super-confident she can have peanut butter on her cheek and be like, "What, dick?"

DOs & DON'Ts—Shoes
Men cannot show their toes in any capacity at any time of year. No way, hozay. In the summer, he ideally wears some light classics like Chuck Taylors, Wallabees, desert boots, Rod Lavers, loafers, etc. In the winter, he should have some utilitarian tough skins like Red Deers or Kodiaks.

Ideally, women wear high-heel shoes at all times, especially in the kitchen. Unfortunately, this is Earth and gravity exists here. Therefore a woman has to wear heels whenever she can. That means moments when there's not a lot of walking going on (dates, a plane ride, the movies, a road trip, dinner parties). If it's a big walking day, she may wear flats or sneakers. Though most girls would like to just throw in the towel and wear flip-flops every day, that is not allowed. A woman may wear flip-flops three days a week (never at night). Why do women want to wear flip-flops so badly anyways––because their feet have to breathe? OK, why don't you cut some holes in the back of your jeans so your ass can breathe? What are you, a nudist? By the way, when you come home, wash your fucking feet. They're black on the bottom.

Neither gender can wear sandals of any kind at any time. "What about if I'm walking upstream in Costa Rica? Can't I wear Tevas then?" Sorry, asshole. If you are on vacation, we will allow men to wear flip-flops, but that's it. Sport sandals do not exist. If the terrain is too rugged and slippery for flip-flops (like walking upstream), you will just have to get your Chucks wet.
Also, square-toed shoes are unacceptable for either gender. They are as bad on those corny "dress sneakers" as they are on dress shoes. Buckles on shoes are bad too (doye).

DOs & DON'Ts—Perfume, makeup, and nail polish
Men who do any kind of serious grooming at all are fucking losers. Highlights, gel, eyebrow plucking, chest waxing, pedicures (shudder)––all that shit is totally unacceptable at any age. Women can wear perfume and makeup, we guess, but it's not appreciated. Like expensive haircuts, makeup and perfume are something women spend all their money on even though men couldn't give less of a shit (keep spending all your cash on shoes, though, we do care about those). Women may not paint their toenails any color darker than pink. All this bloodred and brown is making us barf, so please stop.

Guide to sex

Mar. 27th, 2005 | 05:19 pm

DOs & DON'Ts—Fuck-frequency
In the first year of a relationship, you have to do it at least four times a week. Second year it goes down to three. From the third year to the fifth year, you have to do it at least twice a week. After that, it's once a week until you get married, then it's never (seriously).

DOs & DON'Ts—Fooling around with your friends
There are some very simple guidelines for this:
1. Don't do it. You can't go below the belt and not have things get weird.
2. If you absolutely must horse around, never go home with them. Fool around at parties or bars, so when you go home it's like nothing happened.
3. The next day, call your friend and make light of what happened, so when you see them it's not weird.

DOs & DON'Ts—Duration
No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you're going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work!

DOs & DON'Ts—Mean sex
Men got so scared of all that "No Means No" LUG (lesbian until graduation) talk, they fuck like babies now. Here's the new rules: One "no" means "Meh, I don't know"; two "no"s means "Maybe"; three "no"s means "No."

There are some really weird girls out there (usually ones who got fucked by their dad) that want to be faux raped. Here's the deal for them: You do the struggling thing until you're starting to get weirded out, then you lie on your back and don't move. If she puts her hand on your leg that means the struggle was a game and you can get back to work. If she says, "What's the matter with you?" you fucked up real bad. Sometimes you don't really know if you pushed it too far until the next day. Best to go out for breakfast and see what's up.

Also, horsing around with a girl who is so drunk she cannot speak is rape. So is beating off next to her when she's passed out. I mean, it's not as bad as the guy in the alleyway with a ski mask, but it's up there.

DOs & DON'Ts—Reaming your girlfriend
It's fun to hate-fuck your girlfriend (that doesn't mean forcible entry, it means you fuck her like a dirty animal and pretend in your head she hates you) but she's not really into getting reamed from behind every single time. The deal is you have to make love to her three out of four times. That leaves about one time a week you get to bang the living shit out of her like she's a disgusting whore.

DOs & DON'Ts—Dirty old men
Gents over 30! Do you realize that the 18-year-old girl that you are dating makes you look like the biggest creep in the world? All decent men hate you. And how can you live with constantly checking your bald patch in the bathroom at the bar in case she notices it? And trying to score tickets for Usher concerts and wearing vests, wooden chokers, and fake tan? How tight is that pussy? How small is your cock?

Girls under 18! If your boyfriend is over 30, you are basically being constantly lied to and RAPED every day of your relationship. Your stupid friends may think you're cool, but your parents would kill you if they knew about it, and all his buddies think you're a little whore and will try and fuck you at every given opportunity. Why do old men want to fuck 18-year-olds anyway? As we've said a hundred times before: "It's like playing tennis with a toddler." Pick on someone your own size.

DOs & DON'Ts—Orgasms
Women don't cum from fucking as easily as men, so she doesn't have to have an orgasm every time he does. "Sowwy." It's just not practical. A man only has to provide a woman with one orgasm for every three he has. It's not like she's going to get blue balls. She doesn't even have balls. This does not include masturbating, by the way—that's private.

Guide to Everything

Mar. 27th, 2005 | 05:11 pm

DOs & DON'Ts—Drugs
If you aren't at work, smoke weed whenever you want. But you are not allowed to go around telling everyone how stoned you are. That's for 13-year-olds.

As we've said before, no bumps of coke after 4:30 a.m.

Prior to age 25, it is OK to have one night of dabbling with heroin every six months. After 25, no more getting down with the brown. You'll just look like a gross old junkie the next day. You can switch to pills for your every-six-months opiate indulgence until you have kids. Then you never get to relax again until you're a senior citizen.

DOs & DON'Ts—Never say never
Don't ever say no to a reasonable invitation to do something that might be fun. This is a WASP rule, and one of the reasons why rich white people rule the planet.

DOs & DON'Ts—Hosting
If you have a party, you have to pay for everything. If you can't afford to pay for booze, you have to make it very clear during the invite and apologize the whole time. Also, a host should be constantly worried that people aren't having a good time. He has to say, "Don't worry about it," if something gets broken, and he has to clean up everything all by himself. Same with having people over for dinner. Guests may not do any dishes. The most they will be allowed to do is carry their plates to the kitchen. Same goes for threesomes. If you set it up, you have to make sure everyone's taken care of.

DOs & DON'Ts—Cheating
You can only cheat in the first six months of a relationship. The No. 1 rule of this is, the mistress has to know you have a girlfriend. Of course, it's difficult to court a girl when you're taken so what you have to say is "We have an open relationship but it's disrespectful to shove it in her face so let's try to keep it on the DL." If you get caught cheating, the only thing you have to remember is deny, deny, deny.

DOs & DON'Ts—Babies
After college, girls have to decide if they want babies or a career. If you think you're going to be a graphic designer and then stop everything at 36, find the right guy, have the baby, and then go back to your career when the kid starts pre-school, you are sadly mistaken. Your eggs are shit at 36. Don't get mad at us, it's God's fault. So if you don't want to be a lonely spinster who watches Sex and the City like it's on fire, get over careers and find a reliable man.

P.S. Careers aren't that great anyways; it's not all golf and strip clubs, it's mostly putting out fires and worrying about lawyers.

(no subject)

Mar. 26th, 2005 | 07:45 pm

You might know who I am, it's not that hard to figure out. =wink=